Are you an introvert? Do you have a friend or loved one who is an introvert? The answer is most likely yes to one of those questions, and if you are an extrovert, your introverted companion may sometimes leave you puzzled and frustrated. You, in turn, may leave him or her equally puzzled and frustrated.
Though estimates vary quite a bit, roughly 3/4 of people are extroverts (also spelled extraverts) and 1/4 are introverts. While the high energy, high social needs, and talkativeness of extroversion is valued more highly in US society, there is nothing abnormal or wrong about the lower-key behavior of introverts.
I came across a great blog called The Introvert's Corner written by Sophia Dembling at the Psychology Today website. I highly recommend it for both introverts and extroverts.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Guidelines for Living
In late 1999, I was a brand new graduate student instructor of psychology at California State University, San Bernardino. For my very first class, I taught Personal and Social Adjustment, a course in gaining self-understanding through psychological principles. To this day, I remember how honored and moved I felt to contribute to the process of helping my students think about and plan their lives. I still feel the same every time I teach a new class.
I shared this with my students on the last day of that very first class. I hope something in my philosophy for life is helpful to you.
Guidelines for Living
Take time to know yourself. It’s a guarantee you’ll be living with yourself the rest of your life, so it’s important to like, know, appreciate, and respect who you are. Understand where you came from, make the most of where you are now, and believe in and plan for the future.
Take time to know, REALLY know, the people who are important to you. Who are they? What do they want and need? How do they feel? What are their hopes and dreams? Ask them with an open mind and an open heart – they’ll likely be delighted to tell you and delighted that you asked.
Communicate clearly and honestly with other people in a straightforward manner conveying mutual respect and dignity. You’ll be surprised at how many misunderstandings DON’T happen.
Listen to other people. Open not just your ears, but your mind, your heart, and your attitude and REALLY listen. It’s one of the best ways to learn.
Own your feelings. They belong uniquely to you. They are not inherently good or bad. Everything from intense joy to the deepest grief are part of being alive. Pay attention to what your feelings are telling you.
Do not simply let your life take “the path of least resistance.” You have choices. They are yours and only yours to make. Be active in choosing the course of your life. Know you can’t control everything. Things will happen over which you have no control, but to the extent that you consciously shape your destiny, the fewer regrets you are likely to have.
Love is worth the risk.
Be real. Don’t fake for anyone or anything. The most precious and valuable thing you can be in your life is yourself. You are irreplaceable. BE YOU!
©1999-2012, Linda S. Krajewski
I shared this with my students on the last day of that very first class. I hope something in my philosophy for life is helpful to you.
Guidelines for Living
Take time to know yourself. It’s a guarantee you’ll be living with yourself the rest of your life, so it’s important to like, know, appreciate, and respect who you are. Understand where you came from, make the most of where you are now, and believe in and plan for the future.
Take time to know, REALLY know, the people who are important to you. Who are they? What do they want and need? How do they feel? What are their hopes and dreams? Ask them with an open mind and an open heart – they’ll likely be delighted to tell you and delighted that you asked.
Communicate clearly and honestly with other people in a straightforward manner conveying mutual respect and dignity. You’ll be surprised at how many misunderstandings DON’T happen.
Listen to other people. Open not just your ears, but your mind, your heart, and your attitude and REALLY listen. It’s one of the best ways to learn.
Own your feelings. They belong uniquely to you. They are not inherently good or bad. Everything from intense joy to the deepest grief are part of being alive. Pay attention to what your feelings are telling you.
Do not simply let your life take “the path of least resistance.” You have choices. They are yours and only yours to make. Be active in choosing the course of your life. Know you can’t control everything. Things will happen over which you have no control, but to the extent that you consciously shape your destiny, the fewer regrets you are likely to have.
Love is worth the risk.
Be real. Don’t fake for anyone or anything. The most precious and valuable thing you can be in your life is yourself. You are irreplaceable. BE YOU!
©1999-2012, Linda S. Krajewski
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Catharsis Myth
Let's see if this situation sounds familiar.
Something negative has happened at work. It's a case of outrageous unfairness in favor of an undeserving co-worker, or perhaps a unscrupulous co-worker has engaged in dishonest or backstabbing behavior and gotten away with it. The actual event doesn't matter as much as the fact that you are furious.
When the workday ends, you meet up with a friend and another co-worker because you just need to blow off some steam about this. After all, everybody knows that freely expressing your anger will make you feel better, right?
So you start telling the story, adding in angry comments and scathing details about the perpetrator as you go. Your co-worker, who knows other details and side stories about the whole mess, joins in. Your friend, who doesn't work with the two of you, is taking in the story with disgust and growing ire and starts chiming an outsider's observations on the whole scandalous event. Pretty soon you are all self-righteously hopping mad at the the perpetrator and the seemingly blind management members that allowed this all to happen.
Do you feel better? Has your anger gone away? Do you feel that you have a constructive solution to the problem?
You may feel temporarily better. Your co-worker and friend have rallied around you and you're all full of adrenaline from your anger fest. You are momentarily emotionally drained, but nothing has been done to eliminate or mitigate the situation that caused you to be angry.
Far from being gone, your anger probably has increased. Your discussion with your supportive co-worker and friend has most likely contributed quite a bit more information to support and nourish your anger. In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if you caught your supportive co-worker's eye at work the next day and you both start feeling all the anger surge back.
While potential solutions to a problem might be bandied about in a venting session, they are often of limited practical use. It's not uncommon to fantasize about truly extreme measures, perhaps even violent and illegal ones, in the inferno of rage. Look up any website where jilted love partners talk about revenge on their faithless exes and what I refer to will be crystal clear.
Catharsis, the time-honored concept that the unbridled expression of aggression and anger is a healthy way to dissipate aggression, is a myth. Research has found repeatedly that the expression of anger without constructive problem solving to address the source of the anger only drives anger and aggression levels higher. Here's a brief article courtesy of the Association for Psychological Science (APS) addressing this myth with an excerpt from the book 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology.
So is having a venting session with supportive friends always a negative thing? Absolutely not. It becomes problematic when it goes on for an extended period of time without shifting gears to considering constructive ways to deal with the issue. Perhaps a good practice would be to devote 20 minutes or so to purely blowing off steam and then shifting to practical problem solving mode.
The crucial component in effectively dealing with anger is dealing with the source of it in a calm and assertive manner. This is the step that is too often left out in dealing with anger, but it is the most productive one in reducing present anger and lessening the likelihood that the anger-inducing situation will occur again.
Something negative has happened at work. It's a case of outrageous unfairness in favor of an undeserving co-worker, or perhaps a unscrupulous co-worker has engaged in dishonest or backstabbing behavior and gotten away with it. The actual event doesn't matter as much as the fact that you are furious.
When the workday ends, you meet up with a friend and another co-worker because you just need to blow off some steam about this. After all, everybody knows that freely expressing your anger will make you feel better, right?
So you start telling the story, adding in angry comments and scathing details about the perpetrator as you go. Your co-worker, who knows other details and side stories about the whole mess, joins in. Your friend, who doesn't work with the two of you, is taking in the story with disgust and growing ire and starts chiming an outsider's observations on the whole scandalous event. Pretty soon you are all self-righteously hopping mad at the the perpetrator and the seemingly blind management members that allowed this all to happen.
Do you feel better? Has your anger gone away? Do you feel that you have a constructive solution to the problem?
You may feel temporarily better. Your co-worker and friend have rallied around you and you're all full of adrenaline from your anger fest. You are momentarily emotionally drained, but nothing has been done to eliminate or mitigate the situation that caused you to be angry.
Far from being gone, your anger probably has increased. Your discussion with your supportive co-worker and friend has most likely contributed quite a bit more information to support and nourish your anger. In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if you caught your supportive co-worker's eye at work the next day and you both start feeling all the anger surge back.
While potential solutions to a problem might be bandied about in a venting session, they are often of limited practical use. It's not uncommon to fantasize about truly extreme measures, perhaps even violent and illegal ones, in the inferno of rage. Look up any website where jilted love partners talk about revenge on their faithless exes and what I refer to will be crystal clear.
Catharsis, the time-honored concept that the unbridled expression of aggression and anger is a healthy way to dissipate aggression, is a myth. Research has found repeatedly that the expression of anger without constructive problem solving to address the source of the anger only drives anger and aggression levels higher. Here's a brief article courtesy of the Association for Psychological Science (APS) addressing this myth with an excerpt from the book 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology.
So is having a venting session with supportive friends always a negative thing? Absolutely not. It becomes problematic when it goes on for an extended period of time without shifting gears to considering constructive ways to deal with the issue. Perhaps a good practice would be to devote 20 minutes or so to purely blowing off steam and then shifting to practical problem solving mode.
The crucial component in effectively dealing with anger is dealing with the source of it in a calm and assertive manner. This is the step that is too often left out in dealing with anger, but it is the most productive one in reducing present anger and lessening the likelihood that the anger-inducing situation will occur again.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Stress Is Here To Stay: Deal With It Positively
There is no such thing as a stressless life. Even if there was, you probably wouldn’t enjoy it. If you’re questioning my sanity right now, it may be you only perceive stress as a bad thing. Actually, stress comes in two broad categories, eustress (caused by positive events) and distress (influenced by negative events). Anyone who’s dealt with the happy chaos of a new baby in the family or the first-day jitters at a new job knows eustress well. Yet it is the dark side, distress, that most people think of when they say they’re stressed. Let’s take a closer look at this phenomenon we have a hard time living with, but truly can’t live without.
Stress arises when a situation in our environment requires us to change our usual behavior in order to meet our needs. It’s no secret that the world is rapidly changing around us and we need to keep up or be left in the dust. As much as we may like to consider ourselves spontaneous, free-spirited, and flexible, human beings are very much creatures of habit who find order, predictability, and continuity to be comforting. If a situation requires greater changes in habits, behaviors, attitudes, etc., the more stressful the changes will be. For instance, if a freshly-hired manager comes into a company and revises procedures, experienced employees are likely to resent and have difficulty with the changes than rookie employees.
Without stress, we would not be motivated or stimulated. Experiencing stress is a natural part of living and achieving our goals, but we must cope with it effectively so its harmful effects won’t get the better of us. As an example, a certain amount of anticipation before taking a test will help a student be motivated to study and be ready to do her best. On the other hand, overwhelming anxiety before a test can cause either overstudying – cramming too much into too little time, neglecting rest and eating properly due to frantic activity – or becoming incapable of studying at all.
We can cope better with the negative effects of stress with the power of our own minds. Stress is not “out there” in our lives, representing something that happens to us. Instead, stress lies in part in how we interpret and respond to those events. Thus, stress lies “in between” the event and the person. An event that causes distress for one individual may not cause distress for someone else because each individual’s unique perception of and reactions to the situation influences their experiences. Since stress is a natural part of life, recognizing what stresses us and learning how to respond constructively is a more realistic goal than expecting to eliminate stress.
One of the most powerful stress antidotes is accepting that you are not and never will be perfect. Many people have a number of irrational beliefs which make them less capable of dealing with stressors and undermine their enjoyment of and pride in many life accomplishments because they were not perfect. Perfection is found in nature and in the divine, but not in human beings. High standards are wonderful, but perfectionism is not only stressful, it’s self-defeating.
Where do you typically place the blame when things go wrong? The answer to this question can identify your attributional style. There are three dimensions to attribution, external versus internal, unstable versus stable, and specific versus global. Here are some examples for each dimension having to do with receiving a rejection letter after a job interview that seemed promising.
Candidate O: I guess I just wasn’t the candidate they were looking to hire for that job (external). I know I will be able to find another good job when the economy improves (unstable). I bet a couple more years of work experience will help my chances of getting a job at that level (specific).
Candidate P: I’m such an idiot! I made a total fool of myself the entire interview (internal). I’m such a loser that no one will ever want to hire me again (stable). I screwed this up just like I screw up everything I do. I’m a hopeless case (global).
It shouldn’t be too surprising to find that Candidate O is an optimist and Candidate P is a pessimist. Optimists are more likely to identify external causes for bad events while acknowledging that factors associated with the negative outcome are changeable (unstable) and particular to this situation only (specific). Pessimists are more likely to assign permanent blame to themselves (internal, stable) for the negative outcome and extend its effects to everything in their lives (global). So who do you think feels stressed by the job rejection? Who do you think will be motivated by the stress to do better next time? Who will be demoralized into not bothering to apply for the next job? It’s all in the attributional style.
We have choices as to how to deal with stressors. Constructive responses to stress include dealing directly with your problems, keeping a realistic view of what is happening, recognizing harmful emotional reactions you have to stress and learning how to control or alter them, and being willing to look at all alternative courses of action. The first place to look in learning to handle stress more effectively is within your own mind.
Stress arises when a situation in our environment requires us to change our usual behavior in order to meet our needs. It’s no secret that the world is rapidly changing around us and we need to keep up or be left in the dust. As much as we may like to consider ourselves spontaneous, free-spirited, and flexible, human beings are very much creatures of habit who find order, predictability, and continuity to be comforting. If a situation requires greater changes in habits, behaviors, attitudes, etc., the more stressful the changes will be. For instance, if a freshly-hired manager comes into a company and revises procedures, experienced employees are likely to resent and have difficulty with the changes than rookie employees.
Without stress, we would not be motivated or stimulated. Experiencing stress is a natural part of living and achieving our goals, but we must cope with it effectively so its harmful effects won’t get the better of us. As an example, a certain amount of anticipation before taking a test will help a student be motivated to study and be ready to do her best. On the other hand, overwhelming anxiety before a test can cause either overstudying – cramming too much into too little time, neglecting rest and eating properly due to frantic activity – or becoming incapable of studying at all.
We can cope better with the negative effects of stress with the power of our own minds. Stress is not “out there” in our lives, representing something that happens to us. Instead, stress lies in part in how we interpret and respond to those events. Thus, stress lies “in between” the event and the person. An event that causes distress for one individual may not cause distress for someone else because each individual’s unique perception of and reactions to the situation influences their experiences. Since stress is a natural part of life, recognizing what stresses us and learning how to respond constructively is a more realistic goal than expecting to eliminate stress.
One of the most powerful stress antidotes is accepting that you are not and never will be perfect. Many people have a number of irrational beliefs which make them less capable of dealing with stressors and undermine their enjoyment of and pride in many life accomplishments because they were not perfect. Perfection is found in nature and in the divine, but not in human beings. High standards are wonderful, but perfectionism is not only stressful, it’s self-defeating.
Where do you typically place the blame when things go wrong? The answer to this question can identify your attributional style. There are three dimensions to attribution, external versus internal, unstable versus stable, and specific versus global. Here are some examples for each dimension having to do with receiving a rejection letter after a job interview that seemed promising.
Candidate O: I guess I just wasn’t the candidate they were looking to hire for that job (external). I know I will be able to find another good job when the economy improves (unstable). I bet a couple more years of work experience will help my chances of getting a job at that level (specific).
Candidate P: I’m such an idiot! I made a total fool of myself the entire interview (internal). I’m such a loser that no one will ever want to hire me again (stable). I screwed this up just like I screw up everything I do. I’m a hopeless case (global).
It shouldn’t be too surprising to find that Candidate O is an optimist and Candidate P is a pessimist. Optimists are more likely to identify external causes for bad events while acknowledging that factors associated with the negative outcome are changeable (unstable) and particular to this situation only (specific). Pessimists are more likely to assign permanent blame to themselves (internal, stable) for the negative outcome and extend its effects to everything in their lives (global). So who do you think feels stressed by the job rejection? Who do you think will be motivated by the stress to do better next time? Who will be demoralized into not bothering to apply for the next job? It’s all in the attributional style.
We have choices as to how to deal with stressors. Constructive responses to stress include dealing directly with your problems, keeping a realistic view of what is happening, recognizing harmful emotional reactions you have to stress and learning how to control or alter them, and being willing to look at all alternative courses of action. The first place to look in learning to handle stress more effectively is within your own mind.
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